Secret · Friends

i am ruining my life one bit at a time
i know what i'm doing
and i don't give a shit
and i don't want to fix it
i'm starting to think i like being a wreck

 this ones a nasty one...

a few years back me and my friend used to randomly remove the back peel/sticker of women's menstrual pads ... cant remember what brand it was.... and stick a random one inside an elevator while we were in it.  we loved the thrill because we never knew who would pop in when we reached the floor we would leave from. 

.......

i know , right.....

we grew up,...hopefully...

I try way too fucking hard to be "hard to get".

I've pushed away this one guy who asked for my number not too long ago by trying to be cheeky and funny, and failing epicly.

...I'm never gonna meet a guy if I keep doing this.

My boyfriend, my absolutely wonderful boyfriend, is a virgin in almost every sense of the word.
I was his first kiss, his first, well, everything. Except he's waiting until marriage to have sex.
I've kissed about ten handfuls of guys & girls alike. I'm not a virgin in almost every sense of the word.
Over the summer, I messed around with my ex-boyfriend. I didn't particularly want to. I felt like I had to.
I've never felt so guilty about not being a virgin. It took me being with someone that cares about me as much as he does to realize this.
Never has starting to smoke & drink again sounded so nice. Being able to forget it is enough temptation.
One more night of this can't hurt....

this person was saying, " the difference between girls and guys is that guys fuck things up and girls are just fucked up..."

I totally agree. 

i wish i wasnt born.

my family is horrible and they've tortured me for 23 years...

i know i should just shut the fuck up and grow up, but i am emotionally ruined.

everybody is so damn selfish in my family...

bcause of this i am spending Xmas alone because i am not wanted

why did they have me if they were going to do this to me?

its been hell

Hello you,

I want you to stop. I'm fucking tired. No matter how much you think I'm suffering, I'm not. YOU are the one that's irritating me. YOU are the one who's making it worse. I don't want to talk to you anymore than necessary. I don't want to see you anymore than necessary. You think that knowing stuff about me, bringing up things you know about me in conversations will endear you to me? Think again, because it's fucking irritating and annoying. I don't care for you. I may have once, but not anymore. Leave me the hell alone because I don't want to care about you anymore.

What hurts? That you keep trying to push yourself to me and telling me you're waiting for the time when we can be "us" again. What's even worse? That I won't do anything other than ignore you and treat you like an invisible person because I don't know how to respond and I'm afraid of what you will do when you realize I truly want nothing to do with you anymore.

So shut up and leave me alone. Please.

Not forever your anymore,
me